Things I Would Do to Bang Scarlett Johansson

2010-07-07T21:04:00.000-07:00

300. Have two sex changes
299. Switch to Vonage
298. Hot sauce saline solution
297. Creamate my goldfish
296. Open Francis Ford Coppola's freezer
295. Exhume all Popes
294. Balloon ride with Pete Rose and family
293. Wear skis for a decade
292. Go from an innie to an outie
291. Never clap again

2010-07-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

290. Shoelace sandwich
289. Do four (4) items on Joey Buttafuoco's bucket list
288. Breathe next to a Bulgarian
287. Split a check with Larry David
286. Mumblecore marathon
285. Make fun of Ron Artest's hat
284. Learn to sing all of American Pie in Hebrew
283. Skywrite "I Hate You Mom"
282. Blend my iPhone and not videotape it
281. Do everything Fox News tells me to do for five days

2010-06-11T10:59:00.000-07:00

280. Bunk beds with Mark Wahlberg
279. Become fluent in Mandarin Chinese and then never use it
278. Conduct a week-long Team Edward conference
277. Give Kathy Griffin a blow job
276. Eat a Styrofoam turkey
275. Start Gaza Sailing Tours Inc
274. Sushi at Six Flags
273. Teach my mom what a blumpkin is
272. Polish Jesse James' Nazi medal collection
271. Tea with Tyson

2010-05-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

270. Be a contestant on Jeopardy! drunk
269. Moderate a Harvard vs. Yale debate sober
268. Clean Bob Dylan's harmonica
267. Hike the rainforest in a tuxedo
266. Get a tattoo of the periodic table
265. Trade backpacks with a Muslim
264. Play a speciathlete 1 on 1
263. Fill the Stanley Cup with 5 Hour Energy and drink it
262. Take all my medical advice from Dr. J
261. Egg yolk popsicle

2010-04-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

260. Read the novel "Push" by Sapphire
259. Shave a bobcat
258. Call my nana a GILF
257. Register a star as the N-word
256. Drink a smoothie made of all my toiletries
255. Go on a date with someone I met on Digg
254. Hipster Thanksgiving
253. Bet my life savings on a pre-school soccer game
252. Edit Li'l Kim's autobiography
251. Read Glenn Beck a bedtime story

2009-12-04T17:53:00.000-08:00

250. Do a modern dance routine at Folsom Prison
249. Eat a car seat
248. Cuddle with Nancy Grace
247. Replace all beverages with SlimFast
246. Give a snake a back rub
245. Wear camo to church
244. Have Cher do my taxes
243. Hold a school assembly and tell all the kids Santa isn't real
242. Have a heart-to-heart with Mike Ditka's doctor
241. Have a fart-to-fart with Mike Ditka

2009-12-04T17:42:00.000-08:00

240. Watch a birthing video at the beginning of every day
239. Tutor Yoko Ono
238. Do the minimum that Jerry Falwell considered a "gay experience"
237. Candlelight dinner with Sharon Osbourne
236. Lifetime Little Mermaid ringtone
235. Rob the National Archives
234. Marinara sauce shower with garlic bread sponge
233. Set up 1-800-CRY-TO-ME
232. Attend the Puppy Bowl
231. Cole Slaw enema

2009-12-04T17:38:00.001-08:00

230. Swim a Great Lake
229. Defile any baseball legend's remains
228. Drive drunk across Iceland
227. Be John Starks' therapist or plumber
226. Lick a bedpan
225. Play Jesus in a live nativity scene with a raging boner
224. Throw a game of Family Feud
223. Every time someone mentions George Michael say "You mean The King of Kings?"
222. Join the Russian Navy
221. Go into business with Chien-Ming Wang

2009-12-04T17:25:00.000-08:00

220. Put a long-dead frog anywhere on or in my body
219. Grow a Hitler mustache
218. Listen to Middle Eastern jazz
217. Take advice from Pat Mora
216. Replace shaking hands with shouting "rapist"
215. Thumb war with Jim Abbott
214. Redo K-12
213. Eulogize a Nazi
212. Join an Everest expedition with no experience or gear
211. Be Bjork's translator

2009-06-15T19:32:00.002-07:00

210. Name my kid Courtney Love
209. Drink homemade Sprite Zero
208. Tunnel under the Meadowlands
207. Alphabetize DMX’s guns
206. Take a mob boss’ daughter to junior prom
205. Bill Gates haircut
204. Arm-wrestle Carrot Top
203. Buy a private island and never visit it
202. Pogo stick polo
201. Segway through a hedge maze

2009-06-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

200. Replace all my water with flat Pepsi
199. Have Shaq proofread my dissertation
198. Mad TV Season 3
197. Tie Governor Paterson’s shoes together
196. Walk through the Holland Tunnel
195. Another Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
194. Uppercut from Manny Pacquaio
193. Befriend the Facebook killer
192. http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z229/oomskaap/chinese-garbage-man.jpg?t=1240270317
191. Make s’mores in church

2009-06-13T19:31:00.000-07:00

190. Be the executor of Cher’s last will and testament
189. Change my name to “HIV”
188. Drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade in public
187. Football with a porcupine
186. Frame the work of kindergarteners
185. Use heating pads as blankets
184. Clean Jay Leno or Rush Limbaugh’s garage
183. Bring a Civil War gun to the mall
182. Try to deposit Confederate money
181. Pray for Michael Crichton

2009-06-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

180. Tabouleh + hot tub
179. Train as a prison hygienist
178. Make a candle a day for the rest of my days
177. Any Morgan Spurlock experiment
176. Wear a Lord of the Rings wristwatch
175. Plan a Battlestar Galactica Bat Mitzvah
174. Blackmail a horse
173. Shaving cream sub
172. Jerk off during an earthquake
171. Wear a plague mask full of ranch dressing

2009-06-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

170. Fabricate a twin
169. Ex-lax smoothie before eulogizing
168. Dress like a lesbian
167. Go AWOL from the Peace Corps
166. Smack an Olsen Twin
165. Drink an entire chemistry set
164. Date Chris Hansen’s daughter
163. Wear molasses instead of socks
162. Drench the Bill of Rights in Schlitz
161. Debate a daddy longlegs

2009-06-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

160. Switch toothpaste and peanut butter
159. Hot Air Balloon with Don Imus
158. Live in a house full of drummers for a year
157. Get punched on a MegaTron
156. Eat a tuxedo
155. Defecate in a Kids'R'Us
154. Wear a baseball uniform to a funeral
153. Guest speaker at a doggie graduation
152. Knock over a Normandy Cross
151. Learn the French National Anthem

2009-06-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

150. Go on a potassium fast
149. Travel to Uruguay entirely on busses
148. Make a hobo hammock
147. Watch SuperBowl XXII with the Pope
146. Exhume all my pets
145. Paint Star Wars
144. Make this movie: Monkey Rock Star
143. Make a sweater for a giraffe
142. Sculpt Barack Obama out of milk chocolate
141. Be a defense attorney in Kid Kourt

2009-06-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

140. Doze off in an NHL locker room
139. Grab a drink with Paul Wolfowitz
138. Visit death row in a tankini
137. Make love to Serena Williams
136. Two-hand touch a trannie
135. Swallow jacks
134. Make and wear Count Chocula cologne
133. Insult an astronaut
132. Pay for admission to Madame Toussaud’s and chaperone Mel Gibson
131. Massage a lesbian

2009-06-07T19:26:00.000-07:00

130. Bring swastika JELL-O Jigglers to a middle school graduation
129. Watch Gladiator on mute
128. Eat a goatee
127. Tell a German writer/director I’ll do anything he wants
126. Steal Michael Vick’s identity
125. Get drunk in the same zip code as Madeleine Albright
124. Trade all my gizmos for Quiznos
123. Write a clown’s resume
122. Change all the lightbulbs at Shea Stadium
121. Crucify my cat

2009-06-06T19:25:00.000-07:00

120. Sleep in a vat full of stick bugs
119. Be Jerry Stiller's personal alarm
118. Cross-country rickshaw
117. Appear on an Iranian gameshow
116. Win an Iranian gameshow
115. Make Lemon Party my homepage
114. Audience member in People's Court
113. Watch a meteor shower with Andy Dick
112. Spy on Whoopi Goldberg in the tub
111. Translate the Autobiography of Malcolm X into English

2009-06-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

110. Stuff fudgcicles up my nose
109. Spend my IRA at Domino’s
108. Give Drew Carey a piggyback ride
107. Challenge a quadriplegic to a swordfight
106. Forget about email
105. Listen to her poetry
104. Hump a Sidewinder Missile
103. Advocate for the Zune
102. Online shop for dildos at the library
101. OD on the abortion pill

2009-06-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

100. Lick a baby
99. Rob Joni Mitchell’s grave
98. Get a cheetah drunk
97. Shake hands with a tollbooth attendant
96. Moonwalk I-95
95. Drink Demi Moore’s homemade wine
94. Be in charge of father's day for the NBA
93. Have a cell phone conversation with a bear
92. Fly the Pacific in a 1911 aircraft
91. Take a preteen’s betting advice

2009-06-03T22:48:00.000-07:00

90. Bowl a 300 game with no witnesses
89. Shake hands with Gary Busey
88. Rob a Barnes & Noble
87. Interview a dog
86. Blonde highlights
85. Ambassador to Paraguay for a day
84. Smoke my own socks
83. Play Monopoly with the Bush family
82. Take a shot of Purell
81. Hold in my BM for five days

2009-06-02T22:48:00.000-07:00

80. Wear a shower cap to work
79. Read Lolita aloud to third graders
78. Yell on a plane
77. Don't acknowledge leap years ever
76. Claim everyday is my birthday on Facebook
75. Sleep with all my clothes on for a week
74. Taunt a python
73. Fold an American flag incorrectly on Labor Day
72. Assassinate a legend
71. Wear a yarmulke as a bathing suit

2009-06-01T22:47:00.000-07:00

70. Run a marathon backwards
69. Read Eleanor Roosevelt's diaries
68. Ball pit with Brad Pitt
67. Drop out of ITT Tech
66. Earn Guinness world record for not showering
65. Toenail sandwich
64. No oranges until deathbed
63. Salt n' Peppa reunion concert
62. BioSphere 3
61. Disagree with Peter Singer

2009-05-31T17:16:00.000-07:00

60. Murder a dolphin
59. Brunch with Travis Tritt
58. Print out Wikipedia
57. Pierce my ear with a three-hole punch
56. Pretend to be a Canadian
55. Eat only mustard for a week
54. Get really high at a screening of Gandhi
53. Lose any one toe
52. Shave my eyebrows asymmetrically
51. Bring nachos supreme onto Space Mountain

2009-05-30T17:14:00.000-07:00

50. Drive around Baghdad in an American Flag Mini Cooper
49. Sit through a condo pitch
48. Dognap Obama’s dog
47. Deny a holocaust
46. Wear glasses that constantly create the Ken Burns effect
45. Delete all the black people from my Blackberry
44. Volunteer for the Boston FD
43. Facebook photo on the toilet
42. Be the first openly gay candidate for Governor of Kansas
41. Take the heat for Chappaquiddick

2009-05-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

40. Santeria
39. 50% blind in right eye, or 75% in left
38. Order an egg white omelet
37. Try earnestly to appreciate the Decembrists
36. Denounce America
35. Diving board into a pool of brown sauce
34. Drink the pee of a healthy, well hydrated woman
33. Let you do anything you want to me with an umbrella
32. Solve a murder
31. Be Andrew Dice Clay’s wingman

2009-05-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

30. Tase myself
29. Streak in a megachurch
28. Listen to NPR for 24 hours straight
27. Virtually any kind of medical testing
26. Sail around Somalia in a golden boat
25. The Pie Pod
24. Give up the Internet
23. Jalapeno in the ass
22. Vote for the Green Party from now on
21. Spoon with Ricky Martin

2009-05-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

20. Eat a cell phone
19. Reenact my entire bar mitzvah
18. Read all of Infinite Jest
17. Gay club in South Beach in just a speedo for an hour
16. Text "ur a whore" to every woman in my phone, including my mom
15. Let Dick Cheney ride me like a horse
14. Wear any hat, no matter how stupid
13. Level 2 or lower STD
12. Learn the banjo
11. Mormonism

2009-05-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

10. Make out with a dog
9. Shoot myself in the ankle or heel
8. Never have any form of salmon again
7. Pretend to be a feminist for a week
6. Watch the complete Kevin James 3x in a row
5. Eat two-week old Indian food, in India
4. Lick the sole of Bernie Madoff's foot
3. Gargle wood shavings + vermouth
2. Build a house of K'NEX and use it as shelter for two nights
1. Punch a bald eagle